I'd Rather Kiss a Snake
by DwarfRunner
Summary: Sam tries out online dating!


**A/N: I was inspired by a recent article I saw of a collection of tweets about (mainly) women's terrible first dates. I wondered if Sam would have ever tried online dating?**

**Also, I grew up withthe internet takeover, so I do remember a pre-internet time but that was... 15 years ago? It's fuzzy and distant. I know we got internet when I was in grade school... So hopefully online dating came around then too!**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own stargate etc.**

**XoxoX**

"And of course, that's when I bought my second house," the man, Jeff, her date from SinglesMeet! said. "I needed more storage for my motorcycles."

Sam nodded eagerly, perking up at the mention of motorcycles. "Do you have the-"

"-and of course, I just had to add a yacht! I mean come one! I sold the property on the island though..." Sam stopped listening at that point. She was immensely grateful she had agreed to only get drinks with this man. She had selected O'Malley's, a bar a few miles from Cheyenne mountain. They'd finally been allowed back after that fiasco with the armbands. She was most immediately hoping for a Goa'ould invasion. Maybe this guy would be more interesting as a Goa'ould. Sam still could not fathom how she had let Janet talk her into doing this.

"So what about you?" He asked abruptly. Sam focused, taking another sip of her beer. "Your profile said something about science?"

"Yes, I'm a theoretical astrophysicist," replied Sam evenly. She couldn't help recalling the dumbfounded look on the faces of her very first teammates when Hammond had introduced her with that title. They'd still been far more interesting than this man. "I study stars and radiation in the universe."

There was a brief pause as Jeff blinked stupidly at her. "I took astronomy in my undergrad," he replied, before drinking more of his own beer. "I thought Peridus was an interesting star."

"Peridus...?" Sam asked quizzically.

"Yeah, the North Star," Jeff answered, draining his beer and signalling the waiter for another.

"You mean... Polaris," Sam informed him, wondering where the damn Goa'ould had gotten to. Just once, she needed an invasion...

"Nah, pretty sure it's Peridus," he insisted as the waiter arrived with another beer. "Oh, and bring me some piping hot fries, on the double." Jeff waved the waiter off with barely even a glance.

Sam sighed into her beverage. With any luck something would explode soon. Maybe Thor would kidnap her! Nah, he seemed to only ever kidnap the Colonel. "So, as I was saying, this speedboat I had..."

He continued speaking about himself as the fries arrived. He didn't acknowledge the waiter either with even a nod or a 'thanks'. Sam frowned deeper into the frothy top of her beer. She was debating just standing up and walking out when suddenly, she felt little prickles on the back of her neck. She jerked her head toward the door. There stood her salvation: Daniel, Teal'c, and Colonel O'Neill.

She locked eyes with the colonel and sent him a pleading look. Colonel O'Neill muttered something to the other two and they made directly for her table. Sam abruptly jumped to her feet as her team approached. Though it was a protocol the colonel _never_ enforced, it would help her make a fast exit. Teal'c stood just off Colonel O'Neill's shoulder giving her date a look that could melt a trinium iris.

"Major," said the colonel all military protocol, stopping with her teammates before her table. "I... hate to break up your evening but you've been recalled to base. Project... Hoth requires your immediate attention." He winked so slightly at her at the word 'Hoth', that she wasn't sure she had seen it.

Sam could have kissed him.

"Sorry," Sam said, knowing she didn't look or sound it in the slightest. "Duty calls." She grabbed her purse and jacket and made to leave.

"Oh, well- uh, what about- can I walk you out?" he asked, startled by the rapidity of events. He made to stand but Sam waved him down.

"No," she replied, "that's really okay." Jeff looked disappointed. God, what had she been thinking? He had the dopiest, puppy dog look on his face, like he was trying to guilt her into something.

"What about a goodnight kiss?" he asked in a stage whisper giving her what she assumed he thought to be a sexy look. Before Sam could even think of a suitable reply, Teal'c stepped forward and looked the man up and down.

"You are unworthy of Major Carter," he said in his most terrifying Apophis Prime voice. Earth cuisine agreed with Teal'c as he had added a solid 50 pounds of muscle since they first met nearly five years ago. Jeff hastened to his feet, obviously about to attempt some sort of macho contest. Though what he hope to achieve, Sam couldn't fathom. His entire body was the size of one of Teal'c's arms. Teal'c raised an eyebrow ever so slightly and Jeff plunked back down into his seat, looking astonished.

"Goodnight, Jeff," Sam said politely. Daniel led the way out, the colonel at her side, and Teal'c bringing up the rear. They almost made it to the door but Sam paused at the hostess stand, recognizing one of the managers. "Here," she said, pulling out a twenty, "this is for David. He was a lovely waiter, and I'm sorry my date was so awful."

The young woman accepted the crisp bill; "Thank you! I'll be sure he gets it!"

Sam smiled her first true smile all night and followed her team out the doors. As soon as they hit the crisp night air, her teammates cracked up. Well, Teal'c raised an eyebrow.

"Our _original _plan was to grab steaks and the works, and head back to my place," O'Neill informed her, mock-upset. "I _guess_ we'll just have to grab pizzas now. You blew our plans Carter!"

"Sorry, sir," Sam said with a broad grin. "My treat on that pizza then with my thanks for rescuing me." She looked sharply at Daniel. "It was your idea, wasn't it?"

"I just suggested to Jack that steak sounded good," Daniel replied innocently, holding up his hands in surrender. "It's not our fault you were there!"

"You do have to sit through Star Wars Episode IV, though," O'Neill informed her with a broad shit-eating grin. She wasn't the biggest fan of those films, but _anything_ was better than that date. "Did you just have that half a beer?"

"Yes, sir," she answered with another broad grin, pulling out her keys. "I'll pick up the pizzas and more beer on the way and meet you there."

"Excelleeeeent," O'Neill said, impersonating Mr. Burns, his favorite Simpsons villain. He even steepled his fingers like the character. "Don't forget the marinara sauce for those breadsticks!"

"Yes, sir!" Sam replied, grinning broadly again. She hopped into her car and took off.

"I just can't believe he said that!" Daniel exclaimed, accepting a beer from Sam. Her team, her favorite men in the galaxy sat casually around the colonel's living room. "_What about a goodnight kiss?_" Daniel chuckled again, popping the cap off his beer. "And with us all right there too!"  
"I don't think I have ever been so happy to have a date crashed!" Sam said, laughing along and accepting a napkin from the colonel. "You guys have impeccable timing."

Teal'c nodded toward her as he reverently put Star Wars IV into the colonel's player. "I enjoyed tormenting that man," he admitted. "Major Carter, he was most clearly unworthy of you. What possessed you to accept a 'date' with him?" The three looked at her curiously and Sam felt herself blush furiously.

"Janet signed me up for a dating website," Sam explained. "She thinks I need to get out more." Teal'c grumbled with displeasure at the explanation, although whether that was about dating websites or just the man in general, Sam wasn't certain.

"So, Carter," asked Colonel O'Neill, taking a long pull from his beer, "do you think there'll be a round two with that one?" His eyes twinkled with mirth as she glared at him.

"Please, sir," Sam said with exasperation, "I'd rather kiss a snake!"

"Hmm, Goa'ould?" Daniel asked. "Or an actual _hiss hiss_?" Sam loved drunk Daniel.

"I'd take either one!" Sam exclaimed with another laugh. Now the whole situation seemed far more humorous, rather than absolutely mortifying. "I was starting to daydream about an alien invasion and he wouldn't shut up about 'private island' this, and 'second house' that. God, what a tool."

"Major Carter, as you say here on earth," interjected Teal'C, "there are many more fish in the sea. Now let us enjoy Luke's tale of heroism."

Sam chuckled as the colonel flipped off a few of the overhead lights and they all got cozy on his various couches and armchairs. Sam smiled peacefully as the opening credits rolled up the screen. She sensed the colonel looking at her from his place one cushion over. She grinned at him and leaned toward him conspiratorially. He leaned closer.

"This is definitely better than that date," she whispered. "And _definitely _better than kissing a snake."


End file.
